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Truth
by James Kelewae
Anouncer "Okay ladies and gentileman, welcome to the show. As you may well know this is a game called 'Truth.' The rules are as follows; one contestant will be randomly chosen from our studio audience and Mike over there...hi, Mike."
Mike "Hi."
Anouncer "Like I was saying, Mike is going to connect that person up to our lie detection equipment and we are going to have our pannel of psychiatrists devise ten questions from these occuring first impressions only. Each question the contestant answers truthfully the contestant will receive money. The amount gets bigger as the questions get harder. If our contestant answers all ten questions truthfully they will receive $700,000.00 plus an all expenses paid vacation getaway to fabulous Hanalulu. But if at any time the contestant does not answer truthfully the trust will be broken between that contestant and this show. We will deem that contestant not worthy of receiving money from a show called Truth. Who's ready to play?"
(Crowd goes wild.)
Announcer We will determine who is our first contestant at this time. I'd like to ask all of our audience members to stand up.
(Crowd stands)
Announcer When they entered our strudio today all of our audience members were given numbers. What I'm going to do is push a button which will stop our computer that counts through the number of audience members two times a second and can determine up to the exact mili second I touch the button. Which will provide us with the number of todays' first contestant. Let's turn it on.
(Crowd goes wild)
Announcer Everybody help me count it down. Ten - nine-eight -seven-six -five-four --- three -- two -one. The number of todays' first contesteant is ... sitting in ... seat number... one hundred ...thirteen. Let's find out who the lucky contestant is. Come on up here. ( A heavy man in his mid fifties walks to the stage.)
Announer What's your name sir?
Albert Albert Stevens.
Announcer Where do you come from Albert?
Albert Ohio.
(Two audience members clap.)
Announcer Come on everybody, give it up for Albert in Ohio. (Crowd applause)
Announcer So the question is Albert, are you ready? Albert Well I feel pretty confident. I've always thought of myself as a straight shooter kind of guy. I mean how difficult can it be? All I gotta do is not lie, right?
Announcer No skeletons in your closet Albert? Everyone has skeletons.
Albert Well,... if I do I guess they're coming out of the closet now, cause I'll tell you one thing, aint nothin gonna stop me from going home with that seven hundred thoudand dollars prize today.
Announcer We'' see about that Albert. Okay Mike, let's get started. While Albert's getting set up, we'll go to our panel of psychiatrist and see what their thoughts are on good ol' Albert over here.
(Announcer approaches the panel)
Announcer What do you guys think? Does Albert have what it takes or does Albert have something to hide? You sir, what do you think? Dr. Milok He seems pretty confident. So either he has nothing to hide, or he doesn't know what he's gotten himself into.
Announcer And you ma'm, what are your thoughts?
Dr. Alicia Well, I don't know if he should be so confident. Crazy thing happen in Ohio. It's probably just easier to hide out there. But you can't hide here Albert. Not if oyu want to get that money.
Announcer Alright, it's time to take a little break and let our psychiatrist come up with questions to ask Albert.
(Commercial break)
Announcer Okay we're back. Our panel has their first questions and Albert is good to go with the lie detector test. So how do you feel Al? Albert It's pretty weird lieing here like this in front of all these people. I'd... say I'm feeling a little nervous. I just want to get it over with.
Announcer Okay then, let'e do this. Psychiatrist #1's name is Alicia Feilding. She graduated Magnacoomloudy from NYU. Let's hear it for Dr. Feilding.
(Crowd applause)
Announcer Do you have our first question, Dr.Feilding.
Dr. Alcia Yes, Albert are you married?
Albert Yes, thirty wonderful long years.
Announcer Mike is he telling the truth? Mike Of course he is.
Announcer Albert you just won seventy dollars, how do you feel? Albert Pretty good I guess. That one was easy. I see why it was only seventy dollars.
Announcer Hang on Albert, and it could be seven hundred thousand. Alright, question #2 comes from Dr.Joseph Langer who receieved his degree from GeorgeTown University. How are you Dr. Langer?
Dr. Joseph Qutie good, I'm ready to ask Albert a little tougher of a question, okay? Albert, have you ever hit your wife?
Announcer Remember Albert, even tough everyone is watching , only what you know to be the truth will get you that money.
Albert Yeah, ... I have....but only a couple times,... I really regret it.
( Audience moans "oohs" and shouts of "asshole".)
Announcer Mike? Mike It's the truth.
Announcer Good job Albert. You've answered the second question which now means you have three hundred and five dollars. It got a little harder huh Albert?
Albert Yes sir, you can say that. They're not fooling around with these questions.
Announcer Our third psychiatrist is Dr. Milok Roscop. Dr. Roscop a native of the Soviet Union. He now practices in LA and his clients include some of Hollywoods biggest names. Let's here it for Dr.Roscop.
Dr.Milok Assuming you have children, have you ever acted violently towards them?
Albert Could you define "violently" please, Dr. Roscop?
Dr. Milok Have you ever inflicted serious injury?
Albert Yes,... I have.You see I used to have a drinking problem--- oh hell, let's get on with it.
Announcer Is that the truth Mike?
Mike Yes.
Announcer Okay Albert, you're doing good. You've answered three question so far which brings you up to seven hundred dollars with seven more questions to go. Do you think you're going to make it?
Albert Well there's not that much face for me to save, now is there?
Announcer Okay, we're back to Dr. Feilding, your next question please,Dr.
Dr. Alicia My question Albert, is about the drinking you've just mentioned. Have you stopped?
Albert Yes, I stopped having a problem.
Dr. Alicia Let me rephrase. Do you drink on a dail basis?
Albert I drink about two pints of JD a day.
Mike That's the truth.
Announcer Okay Albert, four down six to go. You now have three thousand fifty dollars. Dr. Langer, your next question.
Dr. Joseph Have you ever gon to jail before and what was it for?
Albert Hey that's two questions, that's not fair.
Dr. Joseph Correction Albert. It would only be one if you hadn't , but since you're so defensive, I'll just assume you have and ask, what did you go to jail for?
Albert I've been to jail more than once. Which time should I answer for?
Dr. Joseph The most recent will do fine.
Albert It was for a traffic violation.
Dr. Joseph Of which kind?
Albert DUI.
Dr. Joseph Is that? You were in jail over night?
Albert Isn't this cheating, you're still asking more questions?
Dr. Joseph Only to assur that the first question has been answered completely.
Albert Also possession of an illegal fire arm. I just use it for huntung though.
Dr. Joseph Okay
Announcer Mike? Mike
Announcer Alright Big Al. Seven thousand dollars.
Dr. Roscop it's your turn to ask the sixth question after this commercial break.
(Go to commercial break)
Announcer Okay we're back and Albert's going to answer his sixth question now. Dr. Roscop, please go ahead.
Dr. Milok This gun Albert, have you ever used it on a person?
Albert No sir, never in my life.
Mike He's telling the truth.
Announcer Okay Albert. I guess that was an easy one. You're now at thirty thousand, five hundred dollars. Dr. Feilding, your next question please.
Dr. Alicia Have you ever had sexual thoughts about your children Albert?
Albert Never.
Announcer The truth?
Mike Yes it is.
Announcer Well Albert, you're moving along painlessly now. Seventy thousand dollars is where you're at. Three more questions to go. How do you feel?
Albert I think I've revealed everything I can to shame myself now. I'm feeling pretty safe. I got scared earlier. I didn't think I was going to make it. But I think they just got lucky in the beginning.
Announcer You sure do hope so, huh, Albert? Dr. Langer, do you share the same opnion?
Dr. Joseph I'm afraid not, my next question is about your wife Albert. This isn't my question, so you don't have to answer, but is she here today?
Albert Yeah, right over there. Hi honey I love you.
Dr. Joseph She looks nice Albert. So here's my question... have you ever thought about using that gun on her?
Albert No sir, I have not.
Announcer Mike?
Mike Uh- oh. We got a liar. (The psychiatrists congradulate Dr. Joseph.
Announcer Oh Albert, you were doing so well. I f you would have just fessed up, you'd be so close to the seven hundred thousand dollars. But now you've gone and ruined it Albert. You are a liar and we will not give you any money and on top of that, you have to leave right now. Our security will escort you to the back alley way. And if any of our super sympathetic audience members have a problem with men who beat their wives and children and contemplate killing them, feel free to join them and speak your minds to good ol' Albert. Bye Albert. Now who's ready to choose another contestant!
(Crowd goes wild) Announcer Ten-nine --- eight - seven --,(etc.) Curtains.